Don't Swear With Your Mouth Full!

Don't Swear With Your Mouth Full! When Conventional Discipline Fails Unconventional Children by child psychologist Cary S. Chugh is the latest addition to the TCP Book Club.

I have to admit I'm a hard sell when it comes to books on parenting. I'm as wary of quick fixes as I am of laborious, time consuming strategies. So when I received Dr. Chugh's book for review, I knew I would have to read it with pencil in hand.

Don't Swear With Your Mouth Full! begins by challenging readers to reassess how they think about their children's behaviour and their role in correcting it. Chugh clearly states that parents "will never have 100% control over [their] child." That said, the line between reasonable vigilance and neglect is not always obvious and, when the inevitable misbehaviour happens, what then?

Dr. Chugh delves into the temperament of the Difficult Child and other factors that may contribute to chronic behaviour problems like ADHD, giftedness, special medical or developmental needs, and Oppositional Defiant Disorders. Chugh goes on to examine the spectrum of parenting styles and research on their longterm behavioral effects, all before diving into the thick of why many of the most conventional forms of discipline fail.

Yelling, threatening, corporal punishment, removing privileges, time-out, chores, sticker charts and ignoring are the eight forms of behaviour management strategies examined. According to Chugh, each is fatally flawed, though some have more redeeming qualities than others. Chugh examines four essential components of an effective behaviour plan:

1. clarity
2. meaningfulness
3. immediacy and
4. consistency

Borrowing from chapter four, lets put conventional time-out through the Chugh check-list. Let's say Emma, age eight, punches her sister and earns herself a eight minute time-out, this based on the one-minute-for-every-year-of-age urban myth. Assuming I've taken time to explain, it is clear to Emma why she is being punished and for how long. Does the punishment have meaning for her? Not really. In fact, she is probably becoming more resentful of her sister by the second...and me. Is there an immediate way in which Emma can bring closure to her punishment? No. The punishment ends when the timer goes off. Is there a consistent way the punishment ends? That depends on whether I'm present when the timer goes off. Depending on when and how often this scenario occurs, my consistency may waver.

Chugh's methodology builds upon some basic conventional methods, but changes them enough to return some of the power to the child. Punishments are no longer time-limited, but behaviour-limited; sticker charts are more aptly used as a memory aid than a score card; and restitution or corrective activities are used to increase the chances that the child will make better behaviour choices in the future. To illustrate this, let's put Emma's time-out through a Chugh make-over.

Emma punches her sister and is sent to sit at the kitchen table in time-out. Emma is allowed to return to play only after she can repeatedly demonstrate how she might use her words instead of her fists, in addition to apologizing and comforting her sister. Emma does not have to comply, but cannot play until she does.

I very much like Chugh's method as it allows for clearly delineated negotiation between adult and child. I know how easy it is to inadvertently end up in a power struggle with a pint-sized control freak. Pro-social escape routes from punishment allow kids to practice desirable behaviours and receive positive reinforcement. As there is no strict formula or scores to keep, implementation is simple and flexible. Chugh also includes suggestions on how to modify this plan for toddlers and teens.

While I can't imagine using all the examples the book offers, its underlying philosophy is compelling and will definitely weave its way into my home and classroom.

TCP Book Club: Your Defiant Child (Part 2)

It's taken nearly six weeks, but I've finally completed Your Defiant Child. When I last wrote, I was about to venture into the book's second half: an eight step, eight week program meant to restore a loving, respectful relationship between parent and child. As this wasn't my first book on parenting, I was curious to learn if Barkley and Benton's recommendations were much different from other parenting books. Here's how the eight steps play out:

Step 1: Pay attention

In the first week, schedule multiple fifteen to 20-minute periods with your child and allow him or her to take the lead. The rules: no directions, no questions, and only the most judicious us of praise. This step is to help heal the wounds caused by months or potentially years of seemingly endless confrontation.

Step 2: Get Peace and Cooperation with Praise

Catch your child doing something right and tell them so, even if it means stopping mid conversation to thank them for not interrupting.

Step 3: When Praise is not Enough, Offer Rewards

Reward desired behaviour with a system of points or chips which can later be cashed in for privileges like TV, computer time, or a special purchase. This step may be temporary necessity if your child's drive for what he or she wants 'here and now' is exceedingly strong. On the other hand, it may be a permanent requirement if your child suffers from an attention deficit or oppositional disorder.

Step 4: Use Mild Discipline

The top one or two unwanted behaviours result in the deduction of chips (or points) and/or time-out.

Step 5: Use Time-Out with other Misbehaviour

Expand the use of step 4 to another one or two behaviours.

Step 6: Think Aloud and Think Ahead: What to Do in Public

By communicating expectations and rules ahead of time you can take your new parent-child relationship on the road.

Step 7: Help the Teacher Help Your Child

Daily behaviour report cards can help influence your child's success at school.

Step 8: Moving Toward a Brighter Future

This chapter discusses how one might continue to use the system over time.

For the most part, I found this method compelling: it's progressive, logical and based on the clinical experience and knowledge of Dr. Barkley, a clinical psychologist. The point at which I fear a great deal of parents might abandon the program is during Step 3: rewarding good behaviour. Keeping track of points or chips and dolling out privileges only when earned demands discipline. It is by far the most labour-intensive step and is potentially where a more spontaneous and less structured parent might let the plan fall by the wayside.

Your Defiant Child does not have the easy readability or simplicity of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish whose book focusses on much the same techniques discussed in Steps 1 an 2. That said, Your Defiant Child is geared toward the tougher end of the child-parent spectrum where carefully chosen words and concerted listening may not be enough.

TCP Book Club: Your Defiant Child — 8 Steps to Better Behavior by Russell A Barkley, PhD and Christine M. Benton (Part 1)

defiance |di'fiəns|

noun

DEFINITION: open resistance; bold disobedience; 

SYNONYMS: opposition, noncompliance, disobedience, insubordination, dissent, recalcitrance, subversion, rebellion; contempt, disregard, scorn, insolence. 

ANTONYMS: obedience, compliance.

A confession: defiant behavior is my hot button.  At home it makes me want to toss out punishments faster than a baseball pitching machine set on high.  In the classroom, the potential for utter frustration is even greater: imagine managing a defiant child before 22 sets of impressionable eyes.  Add to this a defiant child's sudden, irrational, and sometimes violent tendencies, it's no wonder that developing this portion of my parental toolbox is not only of personal interest, but essential.

Your Defiant Child, written by child psychologist Dr. Russell A. Barkley and Christine M. Benton, begins by assuring parents that they are not alone. Some children are more prone to defiance than others and there might not be anything intrinsically wrong with them. Parents are encouraged to complete a survey that helps distinguish 'difficult' children from those with a diagnosable disorder.  The authors then go on to explain what predisposes a child to exhibit oppositional behavior: the child's character, the caregiver's character, the historical interaction between the two, and the family environment.  Here are my top five take-aways from Part One:

1. Defiant behavior that lasts less than six months is considered within the bounds of normal.
2. Boys are more prone to oppositional behavior and it is typical that a child will exhibit this behavior more often with the primary caregiver.
3. That said, if it is impairing your child's ability to function at an age-appropriate level or causing you or your child undue distress, it's time to take action. 
4. Severe behavior with multiple contributing factors (including ADHD and other disorders) may require professional help to achieve a successful outcome. 
5. Following a set of basic parenting principles (outlined in Part Two) can significantly improve family life regardless of the starting point.

At this point I'm interested in knowing how different this book's eight steps are from the advice recommended in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.  One way or another, I'll let you know.

Expert Advice

If you were going to buy a book on parenting tomorrow, which one would it be? Here are few I'm considering for the Creative Parent Book Club.  Vote for one or more of these in the side bar or make a suggestion of your own in the comments. The most popular choice will be discussed next month.  

The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James C. Dobson 

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children Ages 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan Ph. D.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. Mackenzie Ed. D.

Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka