Good Words

"I'm frustrated because you won't stop bothering me and I've asked you THREE times!"

We were driving from the second mattress store of the day to the third when Emma said this to Mouse. Obviously, the two weren't getting along but what I was hearing gave me pause, in a positive sense. Emma's voice was firm, not whiny, and she was speaking to her sister, not complaining to me.

"Good words, Emma," I said.

In the back seat Emma's frown relaxed, validation smoothing the creases. Mouse, on her part, backed off and peace settled over the valley... for about five minutes.

How often do we ask kids to stop fighting without teaching them how to negotiate? Likely too often, and I am no innocent in this. It's far easier to fire off rules like 'no hitting' than it is to delve into why a child felt compelled to slug her best friend. Emma and Mouse argue. They've even been known to push, pull, snatch, scratch, and bite when the spirit moves them. But they are also being taught to negotiate and, given enough reinforcement, will eventually gain independence--I hope. So far the trend looks good. You be the judge.

That's Mine, This is Yours:

A Play in Infinite Acts

(for our purposes I'll keep it to two)

Act 1: Let's Share

Scene 1

EMMA, age 3; MOUSE, age 1. EMMA is playing with toy blocks. She puts one down while searching for another of a different colour. When she reaches back for it she sees MOUSE has picked it up.

EMMA: Hey!

EMMA snatches the block from MOUSE. MOUSE howls.

When that doesn't work she bites EMMA on the leg. EMMA howls.

Scene 2

Hours later...

EMMA is playing blocks again. MOUSE joins her. EMMA quickly moves the blocks out of reach.

MIGHTY MOM: Mouse, do you want to play blocks, too?
MOUSE nods.
MOM: Say, 'Emma, can I play, too?'

MOUSE: (to EMMA) Me, too?

EMMA gives MOUSE three of at least a hundred blocks. MOUSE is happy.

MOM: (to MOUSE) Say thank you.

MOUSE: Tanko.

EMMA: You're welcome.

Act 2: My Turn

Scene 1

EMMA, age 5; MOUSE, age 3.

EMMA enters the kitchen from outside.

EMMA: Mouse won't let me play on the swing.(Rough translation: Make Mouse give me a turn before I clock her one.)
MOM: She's allowed to have a turn, Emma.
EMMA: But she's not even swinging. She's using it for Pink Bear's bed.
MOM: How about we put on the timer for five minutes. When it goes off, it will be your turn.
EMMA: Okay.
EMMA walks back into the yard with the timer in hand. When it finally goes off, neither girl nor bear is using the swing.

Scene 2

Later that day, in the bathroom, after the bath.

MOUSE is combing her hair — poorly.

EMMA is still in the tub.

MOM: (reaching for the comb) How about you give Mommy a turn, chickadee?
MOUSE: (turning away) No. Me do it.
MOM: You've done it long enough. It's Mommy's turn now.
MOUSE: NO!
EMMA: Maybe you should get the timer, Mommy. I think it's by the slide.

House Rules

"No balls in the house."

"No playing with the wedding china."

"No peeing in the dog dish."

If you spend any amount of time around children, I guarantee you'll have to enforce rules of conduct that you never knew you had.  Kids are curious, adventurous, playful and persistent, all to varying degrees.  While limits are an inevitable part of childhood — there's only so much you can do when you're 3' 6" and can't drive — it's only natural kids will challenge their boundaries. Unlike bars on a cage, limits of acceptable behavior are often not visible or rigid. They can change depending on the time of day, the environment or what grown up is in the room and such subtleties are not lost on our perceptive little progeny. What can make things that much more fuzzy is when we grown ups aren't clear about why we've set a limit in the first place.  This sets up the negotiation playing field, parent on one side and child on the other, a game that will continue until the child finds the real limit or the end of their parent's patience, which ever comes first. 

Two Kinds of Rules

In our home, rules fall into two basic categories: safety-driven or value-driven. Safety-driven rules are, by far, the easiest to express and enforce. Helmets on heads is the rule. No helmet, no bike is the consequence. On the other hand, value-driven rules invite a grey zone that becomes a parent's true test of clarity.  Here's a prime example offered up by one reader: how often is too often for my 5½ year-old to visit the next door neighbors? Once a day? Twice? What if the ball goes over the fence and the visit(s) of the day already happened? Then what? One can imagine that a scenario like this poses a field day for a pint-sized master negotiator. Depending on the parent, the kid and the neighbor, an acceptable outcome to this dilemma is up for grabs. The key, on the parent's side of the fence, is to get abundantly clear about what value is driving this to be an issue for them and their child.  Here is just one possibility:

Value: Privacy

A person's home is their private place, a place where they go when they want quiet time and comfort. While that's not to say that we can't ring their bell and say hello, doing so again and again is an invasion of their time and space. 

So, if this is the underlying value and said child still wants to pay the neighbor a visit, what should the limit be? Again, that's negotiable, but if you decide it to be one visit to say hello by the front door, then stick to it. If the ball goes over the fence, of course ask for it back. If it happens again, perhaps it should stay there until the next day's visit.  And what if the little ragamuffin sneaks off next door without your knowledge? Well, they've ventured into the non-negotiable territory of safety-driven rules with a set of consequences all of their own. 

Plan for Success

That said, it's a lot easier to praise than punish, so make sure you plan for success. How and when are you going to celebrate your child learning to respect a new limit? Immediate praise is great, but developing a new habit takes time and reinforcement. One easy way is to make a chart. For each day they keep to the rule in question, give them a smiley, a sticker or some other indicator that they've 'done good.' Decide on goal and a reward.  For instance, if they keep to one visit per day for seven days, promise a trip to their favorite park with a friend. Most importantly, when they reach the goal, make sure they understand what value they've mastered.   "Wow, you really learned how to respect Mr. Malloy's privacy. Way to go!"  Not all limits need such drastic measures, but if you find you're repeating yourself, that's a pretty good indicator that it's time to get creative.