TCP Book Club: Your Defiant Child (Part 2)

It's taken nearly six weeks, but I've finally completed Your Defiant Child. When I last wrote, I was about to venture into the book's second half: an eight step, eight week program meant to restore a loving, respectful relationship between parent and child. As this wasn't my first book on parenting, I was curious to learn if Barkley and Benton's recommendations were much different from other parenting books. Here's how the eight steps play out:

Step 1: Pay attention

In the first week, schedule multiple fifteen to 20-minute periods with your child and allow him or her to take the lead. The rules: no directions, no questions, and only the most judicious us of praise. This step is to help heal the wounds caused by months or potentially years of seemingly endless confrontation.

Step 2: Get Peace and Cooperation with Praise

Catch your child doing something right and tell them so, even if it means stopping mid conversation to thank them for not interrupting.

Step 3: When Praise is not Enough, Offer Rewards

Reward desired behaviour with a system of points or chips which can later be cashed in for privileges like TV, computer time, or a special purchase. This step may be temporary necessity if your child's drive for what he or she wants 'here and now' is exceedingly strong. On the other hand, it may be a permanent requirement if your child suffers from an attention deficit or oppositional disorder.

Step 4: Use Mild Discipline

The top one or two unwanted behaviours result in the deduction of chips (or points) and/or time-out.

Step 5: Use Time-Out with other Misbehaviour

Expand the use of step 4 to another one or two behaviours.

Step 6: Think Aloud and Think Ahead: What to Do in Public

By communicating expectations and rules ahead of time you can take your new parent-child relationship on the road.

Step 7: Help the Teacher Help Your Child

Daily behaviour report cards can help influence your child's success at school.

Step 8: Moving Toward a Brighter Future

This chapter discusses how one might continue to use the system over time.

For the most part, I found this method compelling: it's progressive, logical and based on the clinical experience and knowledge of Dr. Barkley, a clinical psychologist. The point at which I fear a great deal of parents might abandon the program is during Step 3: rewarding good behaviour. Keeping track of points or chips and dolling out privileges only when earned demands discipline. It is by far the most labour-intensive step and is potentially where a more spontaneous and less structured parent might let the plan fall by the wayside.

Your Defiant Child does not have the easy readability or simplicity of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish whose book focusses on much the same techniques discussed in Steps 1 an 2. That said, Your Defiant Child is geared toward the tougher end of the child-parent spectrum where carefully chosen words and concerted listening may not be enough.